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Labour Conference 2012
The following email has been leaked to In Tray by a highly placed source within the Labour Party.
It sets out in explosive detail the top-secret plan within Team Shearer to set the stage for an all-but-certain landslide victory in 2014 that will consign John Key to the dustbin of history and re-establish Labour as the natural party of government.
Subject: Overview of Labour Conference 2012
To: All Labour Party members (“for your eyes only”)
Status: Highly confidential
Saturday, November 17, 2012
0815 hrs. Registration.
0830 hrs. An induction session to orientate people who are attending conference for the first time, and provide a forum to answer any questions from people who have attended before.
The session will explain the main business of Conference, give some tips on how to get the most out of it, and introduce people to some of the helpful organisers that will be around throughout the weekend. (Café Area)
0900 hrs. Welcoming remarks and vote of confidence in team leader David Shearer.
0915 hrs. Goals and Vision. Short motivational speech led by the party finance spokesman stressing the need for a united front over the coming months and “a rock-solid commitment to David as party leader.” (Guineas Ballroom.)
0945 hrs. Coffee and tea.
1000 hrs. Looking Ahead to 2014. Keynote address from Labour Party President Moira Coatsworth, who will detail all of the party’s major achievements over the past year and explain the winning strategy for the 2014 campaign. (Guineas Ballroom.)
1002 hrs. Harnessing the Power of Social Media. New technology can be a force for political good—or political ill. How can the country’s natural party of government be using online communication in a way that benefits our organization and reminds ordinary Kiwis that we are a force for positive, life-affirming change? Join our panelist ihatethepaganis, deathtobusinessscum23, executetherich and others from The Standard who will offer their thoughts on using social media to create a positive image for the centre-left. (Live podcast.)
1050 hrs. Vote of Confidence in Party Leader David Shearer.
1055 hrs. Personal testimony. Earlier in the year, party leader David Shearer was widely criticised for sharing the story a sickness beneficiary who was seen by a neighbour painting his roof. Today we will meet that beneficiary, who will also publicly apologise to David for the trouble he caused for the new leader as well as the Kiwi taxpayer who has been supporting him. (This session may possibly be cancelled due to our guest’s ongoing health problems.)
1200 hrs. Lunch.
1330 hrs. Lessons from the Obama Campaign. Deputy Leader Mr Grant Robertson will share first-hand impressions of his time in New York observing the successful reelection campaign of Barack Obama. Grant will also show a selection of photographs taken during his fact-finding visit in Manhattan, including shots of Times Square, Central Park and some of the lovely restaurants he dined in.
1415 hrs. Vote of Confidence in Party Leader David Shearer.
1430 hrs. The Day So Far. Delegates will split into small groups for a frank discussion on the effectiveness of the day’s sessions, led by Miss Jacinda Ardern. (Various Rooms)
1500 hrs. Vote of Confidence in Party Leader David Shearer. (Various Rooms)
1800 hrs. Special screening the controversial GCSB audio-visual recording of the prime minister's February 29 visit in which Mr Key was fully briefed about the activities of Mr Dotcom. (Due to space limitations, only Mr Shearer and Miss Fran Mold will attend this special screening.)
1845 hrs. Presentation of Media Award. Mr Shearer will announce the inaugural winner of this year’s Media Grant to an outstanding journalist or commentator, and present this year’s recipient, Mrs Tapu Misa, with a one-way ticket to the international destination of her choice.
1900 hrs. Dinner.
2000 hrs. Vote of Confidence in Party Leader Russel Norman [Surely a mistake?—Ed].