Judge Jock: Beer, Int*rcourse and Jiggling Jurists

Newsflash: Judge seen at public house!!!
Our Man At The Bar insisted a bloke enjoying a pint or two with his mates in Vulcan Lane the other sunny Friday was High Court judge Murray Gilbert – or someone who looked very much like His Honour.

This is how gossip begins…

What next???

Bawdy Beaks riding the Bucking Bull down the Dungeon Bar???

Is nothing sacred???

A peeved QC emails at 2.30 pm:
"Judge Jock,

I am bitterly disappointed you have chosen – no doubt for spurious reasons known only to your peculiar self – not to include me in the Cute QC competition.

I understand you and some dubious cronies selected who would be included, but more to the point, who would not be.

Bruno, my handsome junior, assures me he sent off to the Ladies and Escorts Lounge, as required by the contest rules, a fresh batch of high-quality portraits taken in my downtown chambers by a well-known photographic artiste.

We went to considerable lengths to comply with the strict conditions of the entry form.

I even straightened my seams.

Oh, the humiliation…

Explanation, if you please…

Not so sincerely,
(Name withheld upon receipt of Privacy Fee)"

Fifteen minutes later a distressed QC emails:
"Esteemed Judge Jock, Sir,

I write in confidence on an extremely delicate matter (see earlier email).

It concerns your hugely popular Cute QC competition, which I went to considerable efforts to enter, as outlined in my earlier somewhat terse email – but which I now realise was sent in unreasoned haste.

It seems my erstwhile junior, Bruno (now attached to the public defender service at Manukau Court), anxious that my entry meet the competition deadline, packaged up a fresh batch of Polaroid art snaps for grown-ups which must have fallen from my briefcase.

These snaps were intended only for the eyes of the High Court Judicial Appointments Panel.

Accordingly, I trust I can rely on your discretion and kindness not to put these snaps about and return them to me soonest at my chambers, not my home address.

If there is anything I can do to ease your burden (wink, wink) you know where to find me.

Ever so sincerely,
(Name temporarily withheld while fivers are counted)."

Judge Jock replies:
"Dear Distressed QC (Thanks for the brown envelope stuffed with used ones, but we still know who you are),

Be assured, dear lady, your photos are appreciated by all of us art lovers here in the Ladies and Escorts Lounge, where your candid poses have prompted many hearty and rousing toasts to your bounteous charms.

Technically speaking, isn’t it amazing how clear Polaroids are these days and how easily they scan to the Interweb???

Meanwhile, on behalf of my judicial self, OMATB, The Scunner and all the Jack-the-Lads down the LEL – “Buttums Up.”

Judge Jock
The Courts’ Friend."

This just in from Manukau Court:
She, a lady lawyer of some renown, was in front of Judge Roy Wade the other day, for a bloke who wanted noted crime barrister Roger Chambers to represent him.

Fair enough, Rog is a dab hand when it comes to batting for the criminally accused.

In full stride Her Ladyship addressed the court with the startling revelation she had not yet had intercourse with Mr Chambers.

Realising her irretrievable verbal faux pas, she carried on as if nothing had happened.

As did His Honour, who didn’t bat an eye, but had a hilarious work tale to tell in the Judge’s common room.

The word our lady wanted was “discourse”.

But as OMATB remarked to Judge Jock: “How do you know???

What’s he DOING under his robe???
A well-intentioned seminar introducing technology to the judicary – run by GeekBeak Dave Harvey – has had an unexpected spin-off.

OMATB says counsel – particularly those in the front row – are disturbed by recent curious jerking movements afflicting several inhabitants of the High Court Bench.

According to one senior barrister familiar with the Court’s innermost workings, judges can be seen sitting slightly hunched forward in their chairs, their hands unseen under the Bench and hidden by their voluminous robes.

“I have witnessed a constant jerking motion of both arms, not unlike the action of a string puppet… It’s as if they are playing with some kind of hidden instrument,” the source says.

“From my observations, whatever it is it appears to afflict more male than female judges… ”

A senior judicial communications officer declined to comment.

Curious Judicial Jerking Explained:
Jolly Justice Minister Judith Collins says an outbreak of judicial jerking is easy to explain.

"It's easy to explain," Miss Collins says.

“A number of judges approaching OAP age have had a crash course in Texting Made Easy,” she says.

“They have been issued with pre-paid mobile telephones and schooled up on how to keep in touch with one another, swap notes, make lunch dates and ask for help during trials without having to call adjournments every 10 minutes,” the cost-conscious minister explains.

“And having a Bench of jiggling jurists helps engage our stakeholders.

“I see this as yet another huge breakthrough for a world-class judicial system being constantly finely-honed under my stewardship,” Miss Collins says.

"Scoring a truck-load of cheap old Blackberrys also helped," she quipped.

“And very easy to explain.”

“Tomorrow we tweet,” she cried triumphantly.

“Harrumph,” exclaimed The Scunner.

I Am Curious (Judge):
“Let’s see now…push P once, A once, S four times, then four times again, T once, H twice, E twice, B twice, O three times, M once, B twice again, A once and Y three times…

“There, that should do it… ”

A few minutes later…

“Hullo, what’s this??? A reply… ”

“What’s it say???”

“G..e..t..y..o..u..r..o..w..n..y..o..u..s..k..i..n..f..l..i..n..t..”

“Outrageous… Get me the law drafters… ”

Cute QC Finalists:
Finalists have been chosen in Cute QC 2013 and will be revealed in next week’s Judge Jock.

As in previous years, the Judge’s decision is not necessarily final, so those not in the final catwalk lineup will have limited time, upon deposit of the usual batch of fivers at the Ladies and Escorts Lounge, to seek leave to appeal their exclusion.

janderson@nbr.co.nz