Judge Jock: Judges In Reality TV Shock, See-Through Capers In Pokey, Lawyers Linked To Randy Rector Revelations

My judges are undertaking a review of in-court television coverage, photography and sound recording by mainstream media, Chief Justice Dame Sian Elias told Judge Jock.

It seems Their Honours are less than pleased with the bizarre capers of television broadcasters, in particular the sensational hyping-up of “talent” events such as the Ewen Macdonald, Clayton Weatherston and Kahui twins murder trials.

“As always your thoughts would be welcome, Judge Jock,” a spokesperson for Her Honour said.

From his leaner in the Ladies & Escorts Lounge, Our Man At The Bar could not help but overhear this wee snippet:

“Well, Justice Loose-Change, my views on cameras and the vermin who wield them in my court are well known. Horse-whipping’s too good for them…”

“Too right, Justice What’sUp,” said Loose-Change J. “I am truly sick of all that palaver and besides, my make-up bill has skyrocketed…”

“Make-up??? I say, Loose-Change J, I didn’t know you were one of them…”

“I’m not,” screamed Loose-Change J, jabbing his judicial colleague in the eye with his cocktail umbrella. “But one must always look one’s best for the camera. Lord David Hartnell MNZM told one that.”

“But talking man to man, as we are over a couple of pints of Parfait d’Amour,” said What’s Up J, inching closer, “I have to say in certain subdued lighting there are folk who might think we come across as a pair of prancing patrician p**fs…”

“What’s that you’re implying???” yelled Loose-Change J, bouncing a jug off What’s Up J’s droopy long bottom…”

“For goodness sake take yourself in hand, man,” said What’s-Up J. “It has to be said that the soppy liberals who went before us were totally out of touch with this irritating camera business, not to mention all that “justice must be seen to be done” nonsense and how we judges have to be on our best behaviour when we see the wee red light pointing at us…”

“Quite,” said a composed and freshly cocktailed Loose-Change J. “And you having unconflicted contacts at Tinseltown has opened a wonderfully well-paying real-life NZ On Air-funded 25-part series for us both…”

“Oh yes,” said What’s-Up J. “The real deal, the inside leg, all the nudge nudge and wink wink you can squeeze from sleaze, celebrity and sin, starring Justices What’s-Up and Loose-Change…Just like Starsky and Hutch, Bill and Ben, Rogers and Astaire, Burke and Hare…”

“What’s that??? It should be Loose-Change and What’s Up??? No no, remember we spun the little cocktail umbrella on the bar and it pointed to me…Anyway, I am the Patrician and you are clearly the Prancing…”

“That’s quite enough of that sort of talk,” said OMATB. “This is an orderly house…”

“Pigs can fly,” said The Scunner.

In a move which will put an end to smuggling stuff into jails, prison inmates will be charged $2 a week to rent see-through plastic-framed tellies.

A senior communications adviser for the Minister of This Sort of Thing says the latest crime-fighting initiative will require prisoners to view TVOne, TV2, TV3, Prime TV and Maori TV.

“This may seem harsh but the Minister is confident this pro-active no-nonsense step will stamp out recidivism. Who would want to return to prison to see that sort of rubbish???”

An extremely elderly spokesperson for the group Jails Are Full Of Innocent Folk says this is just another example of a heartless draconian State imposing yet another cruel and unusual punishment on the defenceless victims of an unfair State-controlled blame culture.

“It’s worse than Victorian times,” wept the Wizened One. “Back then the poor devils had only the thumbscrews, rack and raging buggery to contend with. How will they cope with Seven Sharp or Campbell Live???”

Meanwhile, retired members of the judiciary – barely able to pay-off their extortionate Northern Club bar bills - say they have planned mass rallies outside the country’s prisons to protest the $2 a week TV scheme.

“Most of us pay at least $5 a week and we only watch Coro St. Let us in, you heartless b*st*rds,” one threadbare wretch screeched, brandishing his brown-bagged tipple…

“Can they claim back the GST???” asked The Scunner.

And In News Just To Hand
Thousands of ex-pupils – including lawyers, judges, clergypersons and other folk in high places - are clamouring for copies of Otago Boys High School’s official 150-year history – delayed because of naughty references to a pair of dead headmasters.

Historian and author Rory Sweetman’s open brief to deal with the esteemed school “warts and all” raked over some historically public matters which displeased those who commissioned the three-year work so much it did not appear for the school’s celebrations earlier this month.

OBHS Rector Clive Rennie, confirming two controversial chapters related to the late Ted Aim and Don “Stump” MacLachlan, says a couple of things were changed after negotiations and it is hoped to have the school history out in September.

Mr Aim was the subject of a staff mutiny in the 1950s.

But Judge Jock has it on the very best of authority that legions of old boys were eager to refresh their memories about the tabloid shenanigans of Mr MacLachlan – splashed across the pages of Truth in the 1980’s after a major investigation revealed the “Randy Rector’s” expensive dalliance with the school librarian.

What brought the scandal to light was the use of a hefty dollop of school funds to pay-off the Rector’s lover, who was hastily sacked after spurning his continued advances.

Not everyone thought that was a good thing.

Very important Dunedin folk were involved, including businessmen and lawyers – one of whom is a jolly good bloke who went on to hold a high position in the judiciary.

Full and Frank Disclosure:
Judge Jock will not tell a lie. It was he who, as an old boy and in a previous incarnation, investigated and broke the story of his Randy Rector.

Don't Miss Out:
Do lawyers really contribute more than accountants? Or do bean counters rule?

Find out at the ASB Great Debate on August 31. Read more here: Good cause debate aims to stimulate Auckland intellect http://www.nbr.co.nz/node/143073