Judge Jock: A Horned Dilemma, Crime-Free Collins Gets Buttums Up, Acrobatic Goer Raises Judicial Concern

On the Horn of a Dilemma writes:
“A rather pretty young thing is keen to join my flourishing and wildly social chambers. However, I am concerned about the possible influence her presence may have on some impressionable middle-aged minds. What do you advise is the best course to follow?”

Dear Horned Dilemma:
"Yours is a common problem and one which, with the passage of time and the rolling by of the years, plagues many sets of chambers. The easy answer would be to tell her to kn*b off, but that would be unnecessarily churlish given that folk of a legal persuasion never go for an easy answer. How about giving her a fair trial to see how she measures up?"

On the Horn of a Dilemma writes again:
“I have taken your advice and am concerned. The young lady in question has been enthusiastically 'trialling' at my chambers for three weeks, during which time she has entertained us with an enthralling range of party tricks. Trouble is, no-one’s doing any work, bills aren’t being paid, we’ve run out of little umbrellas for the cocktails and there is no sign of relief. Did I mention I am concerned?”

Dear Horned Dilemma:
"It is clear you have on your plate what we call a 'goer', in which case I need to pop round for a more hands-on assessment of your horny dilemma. This Friday would be fine and dandy… Now, if you would kindly use your unique password to access the Mature Paid Up Practitioners’ Only section you will find some handy hints on how to keep up your chambers’ collective peckers…

Buttums Up!"

Not The Latest News
An Opposition spokesman appears to back justice minister Judith Collins’ bold decision to ban crime by Christmas (Judge Jock, July 5).

“Savage cuts for Crown solicitors can only mean fewer prosecutions and presumably less serious charges being laid when more serious ones might better reflect the crime,” a press secretary said.

“Minister Collins is fair chuffed with this overwhelming support for her bold and revolutionary decision to ban crime by Christmas,” another press secretary said.

“Not everyone shares Minister Collins’ bold and revolutionary determination to ban crime by Christmas, especially lawyers and judges, numbers of whom have been protesting noisily outside Parliament for weeks.

“Such blatant disregard for Minister Collins’ bold, resolute and revolutionary determination to ban crime by Christmas is typical of those who for centuries have made fortunes on the back of crime.”

“Be assured,” said a press secretary, “Minister Collins will not stray from her all-embracing, bold, resolute and revolutionary determination to ban crime by Christmas. The first thing she does is burn all the law books. Then… ”

Minister Collins’ Countdown to a Crime-free Christmas continues…

Buttums Up!

Law commission comments on case of juror contempt without saying anything much
“It is too early for the law commission to express a view on these questions and we will obviously await with interest any decision the court may make on the current case if it is appealed to the High Court as has been indicated,” a media release intoned.

“It is complex and important,” a media release thundered.

“Boll*cks,” said The Scunner.

Troubled Law Society Cocks Up
The troubled Auckland district law society has apologised to Bryan Mahon (90) for, in wishing him happy birthday, erroneously claiming he was 92. Age-ist cock-ups of this kind at this time of life are unforgiveable.

A Group of Concerned Lawyers Writes:
“Sir, It has come to our collective attention that a colleague (we know who) has communicated with you on certain in-house matters of a private, confidential and behind-closed-doors nature.

We are aware certain slavering sections of the news media may regard such alleged 'goings-on' as racy.

Be assured, Sir, the undersigned (names withheld by request) have absolutely cast-iron alibis and/or plausible explanations for the night/nights/times/places in question and have no comment whatsoever to make on whatever you have been told alleging hi-jinx and a certain young lady’s 'enthralling range of party tricks'.

We point out we have all paid our share for the cocktail umbrellas.

A Group of Concerned Lawyers.”

“Reeks of boll*cks to me,” said The Scunner.

A Head of Bench Writes:
"Sir, I write on behalf of a number of concerned members of the Judiciary who are concerned some misunderstanding may have arisen in relation to events in certain legal chambers, about which they are concerned.

I should point out it is perfectly normal and acceptable for members of the Judiciary to engage in social intercourse with the Bar.

Indeed, as you yourself are well aware, in certain circumstances this is encouraged in the interests of currying mutual professional favour.

However, on the night/nights/time/places in question I am assured that if any member of the Judiciary was on the premises of said certain legal chambers, they were there for a perfectly proper purpose.

For example, one of my concerned lady Judges assures me that while she might have just 'popped in' to use the lavatory, she took no active role in, or gave any encouragement to, the so-called 'racy' events which followed over the next few hours, about which she is concerned.

This is how unpleasant and unhelpful gossip takes root.

However, I share Her Honour's view that it is a role of a modern, in-touch Judiciary to encourage enthusiastic young practitioners, especially in their extra-curricula acrobatic pursuits.

After all, did we not all go through similar lengthy and pleasurable initiations – long before the days of cellphone cameras???

PS: I’m closing Court early this Friday, so what’s it to be Big Boy??? R*m*y P*m*y at your place???

BiBi”

“Room for a couple of little ones???” said Our Man At The Bar, shaking enough for a Bombay from The Scunner’s beanie...

janderson@nbr.co.nz