Judge Jock: Lawyers Have Good News, Judge Revisits Randy Times, Inside A Big Wig's Chamber

Law Firm Has Good News
Speciality corporate law firm Anthony Harper has merged with Auckland boutique retirement villages and securities lawyers Burke Melrose, bringing the Christchurch-based firm’s numbers to 77 across its Christchurch and Auckland offices.

Michelle Burke, Jenny Baldwin and Gill Goodwin join Anthony Harper as partners.

The merger is effective from August 5.

A Lawyer’s Reputation In A Nutshell
A continuing professional development (CPD) session for Auckland lawyers in August should not take up too much billing time.

The topic is “Engaging with New Media – How to protect reputations and respond to abuse.”

Before anyone signs up for this folk would do well to take Judge Jock’s advice and save a few bob: “Say nothing to anyone about anything and leave the camera at home… ”

“Spoilsport,” said The Scunner.

“Buttum’s Up,” said Our Man At The Bar, calling for an inquiry.

News Report
Former Court of Appeal judge Sir Bruce Robertson, an old chum of Otago Boys High School and fixit man in the school’s notorious Randy Rector Affair, is the new chairman of the sports tribunal.

His deputies are Queen’s counsel Alan Galbraith and Jim Farmer.

Tribunal registrar Brent Ellis denies the tribunal gives any of its members any “perks” such as tickets, travel or accommodation for sports events.

“You let that wee sinecure pass you by,” said Our Man At The Bar, sculling a luke-warm Crabbies.

“But your pals Bruce, Jim and Alan have done well. All they need is Bill (ex-Supreme Court judge Bill Wilson) to make the quaddie… ”

Bruce gets a $1230 hearing fee a day, $625 for half a day, $177 an hour for preparation and decision writing, plus $5300 a year for admin.

“Jim and Alan get $920 hearing fee a day, $460 for a half-day, $460 preparation for a full-day hearing, $230 for a half-day and $145 an hour for preparation or decision writing.”

“They only get paid when they actually work but it’s still not a bad wee screw for the Mess Bill.”

“What do they do?” asked The Scunner.

“Awfully important sport stuff, laddie… And they do it for next to nothing. That’s all you need to know,” barked OMATB.

Footnote: Are you intrigued or just a wee bit nosy by the above reference to the Randy Rector Affair???

It has been whispered to Judge Jock that the sordid business features in a new history of Otago Boys High School published to mark the school’s 150th birthday in August.

Get a copy while it’s hot.

“Isn’t there an inquiry???” said The Scunner.

What’s My Job?
This week Horace meets Helen.

“Hello, I’m Horace (that’s Horace, not Hori, he’s my cousin) and I am a trained and skilled reporter paid by a very big Australian-owned daily newspaper. Can you guess which one???

Today on “What’s My Job?” I get the behind-the-scenes, wink-wink, nudge-nudge inside running on crime from Helen, who knows a lot about it.

I can reveal Helen is what is known in the business as a “big wig”.

She is at the very throbbing underbelly – the murky inner core, if you like – of everything that is hip in crime today.

Helen will be showing me what it takes to control a shadowy and until now jealously private – some might go so far as to say secret – “club” of trained and skilled operatives whose daily diet is a heady cocktail of murder, rape, illicit drugs, sexual perversion, fraud, corruption, theft, buggery, incest, up-skirt filming…

(That’s quite enough of that – Ed).

On my way to meet Helen I deftly sidestep a street person – what we trained and skilled reporters call a “beggar”.

But I bet you a bob he’s not a real beggar…

My sources at Simpson Grierson assure me the beggar is really a trained and skilled GCSB operative – what we reporters call a “spy” – working blindly in the wicked service of old Uncle Sam to snoop on Green gays and fat Germans…

I know he will deny it if I confront him but my sources feed me all the best bits and have never put me wrong, so he is for Page One – ‘beggar-man, spy-man.’ Gosh, what a stunning award-winning headline to impress my Ocker masters – Copy Boy…

(Get on with it – Ed).

I find myself in a sumptuous suite – referred to here as “chambers” – lavishly decked-out with well-worn Scottish Chesterfield leather, tightly shuttered windows and soft lighting.

Am I in Tony Soprano’s Bada Bing???

I reach for my standard-issue senior reporter’s notebook and ever-ready Bic…

“No notes, you snivelling scribbler,” says Helen. 

(Flowery over-the-top descriptions of Helen have been removed in the interests of due deference – and to avoid the risk of a contempt stretch – Ed).

File-cradling flunkies exit this chamber backwards, their patent leather pumps silent on the mauve shag-pile.

“Come,” she beckons, as we make our way deeper into the building.

“Be upstanding for Her Honour, the Queen’s Judge… All Rise,” booms a voice, followed by the sight and sound of at least half a dozen black-robed “acolytes” becoming upright in unison.

This, I realise – thanks to my training and skill – is what is known as a courtroom, a place where the vilest of deeds unfold in excrutiating detail.

Amid tortured cries for an early smoko, these pock-marked walls are stained with the wretched pleas of lawyers begging for a little more time, just one more adjournment, a few bob more legal aid…

The unmistakable stench of a well-heated poker hangs in the air…

(This drivel has got to stop, now, y’hear??? – Ed)

Hold The Front Page
Judge Jock is keen to avoid further confusion around the law society’s mandatory Continuing Professional Development (CPD) Ten Strikes And You’re Out crisis.

First: CPD has nothing whatsoever to do with providing better service to clients – let’s be quite clear about that. End of story.

Second: Encouraging your kids to take up cushy residence in Mummy or Daddy’s law firm does not yet qualify, but moves are afoot.

However, buying up bulk copies of Judge Jock’s Sharp Practice Guide To Surviving CPD – brimming with plain language step-by-step advice on how to get round the troublesome requirement –is useful so long as you are not caught at it.

We’ve Never Had It So Good
“When all is said and done, Judge Jock, life on the beer hall beat is a pretty cosy screw,” mused Our Man At The Bar, wringing the beer-stained bar towel into his pony.

“Fill the jug, old sport, and I’ll tell you all about the time I appeared full flush in the fascinating case of the… ”

“Stop him right there,” said The Scunner, eyeing the tip jar. “The Ladies & Escorts Lounge is an orderly establishment. There’ll be none of that sort of talk here…  ”

Next Time
Judge Jock reveals further details of Justice Minister Judith Collin’s popular campaign to eliminate crime. Is it a Yes or is it a No???

And in the story they tried to kill The Scunner hunts down a secret stash of judicial jaunting loot...

janderson@nbr.co.nz