Hot Topic Reporting season
Hot Topic Reporting season
5 mins to read

Judge Jock: Nudey Beach Frolics and Goodie Bag Delights

Auckland judges will be in private retreat this Easter to consider weighty matters far too important to tell the public about.

Jock Anderson
Fri, 05 Apr 2013

Official announcement:

“Auckland judges will be in private retreat this Easter to consider weighty matters far too important to tell the public about. No further comment will be made,” a senior judicial communications officer (name suppressed) commented.

Judges’ jolly beach-front frolics:

The Waiheke Bugle reports sightings of gaily-clad judges cavorting in the surf at secluded Little Palm Beach over Easter Weekend.

A well-off local, who declined to be named, told the Bugle he was concerned by the effect such unfettered judicial antics would have on property values.

“It’s not the first time this crowd have taken over our intimate wee beach. It’s now clearly out of hand. Someone needs to do something.”

“I have spent more than just a few bob upgrading my beach mansion. The last thing my creditors want is these goings-on when we are trying to flog the place for a big whack,” said the man, identified only as Mark.

“Hear hear,” said a related party, identified only as Mark.

Meanwhile, Our Man At The Bar investigates.

“Take a look at those photos,” said Mark, greeting OMATB at the heli pad.

“You tell me what these folk are up to.”

“Isn’t what that one is doing to a seagull still a crime???”

“Should I alert the SPCA???”

“Look, the big one has some weird regalia on his head and is running in and out of the surf with little more than a spotty b*m.”

“And if I’m not mistaken those three dancing round the bonfire are sheilas."

“What do you make of this bunch, prancing about in the sand??? Is that what is known as a daisy chain or are they doing the Conga???”

“I appeal to you, OMATB, you know these peculiar folk,” said Mark. “Can’t you get your chum Judge Jock to whip them into line??? Where’s the decency???”

Meanwhile, down at Little Palm Beach:
“ I say,” said Judge Make Mine A Double, “Isn’t this the gay nudey beach Jock J told us about??? Some jolly obliging chaps here, I must say… One’s just helped with my suntan lotion.”

“I’m impressed by our digs this time,” said Judge Racy Pantie-Girdle. “Better than the top-and-toe shamozzle at Rocky Bay last year.”

“What’s in these goodie bags???” said Judge Always Up For It.

“Is this a bathing cap??? What are these long stretchy bits??? Do they tie under one’s chin???”

“I don’t think that’s meant to be worn on the head, numbskull,” said Judge Jack The Lad.

“Look, you put your feet in the other end then hoist the stretchy bits up over your shoulders. Didn’t you see the film???”

“I’m not sure this yellow colour suits me,” said Judge Racy Pantie-Girdle. “It’s a bit neat in the nethers and barely covers my front.”

“You have it on back to front, lassie,” snorted Judge Pass the Bottle.

“Pass The Bottle J, what are you doing here??? You are supposed to be holding the fort at work,” said Judge Throw Away The Cork.

“Easy peasy,” said Judge Pass The Bottle.

“Called the chaps in Vulcan Lane, we agreed to call off that damned inconvenient case of the Prostitute, the Bishop and the MP, so here I am – fairy cake anyone???”

“Hullo???” said Judge Jack The Lad. “Who’s this I see in the distant dunes??? OMG – scarper brethren, ‘tis Chief Justice Quad Bike – and she’s taking no prisoners… ”

To be continued.

Meanwhile, in the High Court, a mobile telephone has been found:


“Push B twice, push U twice, push G once then once again, Push E twice and R three times…then push Y three times, O three times, U twice…then L three times, O three times and T once… ” replied The Scunner.

Note: Judge Jock cannot be held responsible for any crash in Waiheke property values as a result of gangs of judges cavorting about Palm Beach at all hours wearing party hats and tooting hooters.

Cute QC hopeful seen with judging panel:

We are told there is an allegedly “perfectly innocent explanation” for Auckland QC Julian Miles’ kerbside chat with the Cute QC’s judging panel the other day.

Absolutely nothing untoward or dodgy can be read into this chance meeting at The Corner Bar, according to a senior judicial communications officer (name suppressed).

When questioned, Mr Miles purported to express genuine surprise he was even a nominee for the prestigious title.

“ I had no idea,” Mr Miles claimed, colouring cheekily.

In a statement stuck on the wall of the Ladies and Escorts Lounge, Judge Jock purported to assure other contenders of Mr Miles’ innocence in this matter.

“He’s innocent, I tell you… ” said Judge Jock. “In fact, his hands never went near his damned wallet for even a second.”

“B*llocks,” harrumphed The Scunner.

Cute QC Finalists Named!!!

All “entry fees” having been counted at the Ladies and Escorts Lounge, and in no particular order, they are:

Julian Miles (no surprises there, wink, wink), Deborah Hollings-Chambers, Colin Carruthers, Anne Hinton, Hugh Rennie and Stephen Mills (last-minute entry after an extension of time granted).

Finalists have until next week to prepare their final “Why I Deserve To Win” submissions.

A Minister of Justice tweets:
“Your distorted portrayal last week of some of my comments about mobile telephone use by jiggling judges requires clarification.”

“It needs to be made clear I have no evidence that judicial jiggling is connected to anything other than Their Honours coming to grips with texting. Is that understood???”

“B..u..t..t..u..m..s..u..p..” texted The Scunner.

Jock Anderson
Fri, 05 Apr 2013
© All content copyright NBR. Do not reproduce in any form without permission, even if you have a paid subscription.
Judge Jock: Nudey Beach Frolics and Goodie Bag Delights