IN TRAY: Outsourcing the news

KiwiRail has announced that it is outsourcing passenger supply to Indonesia.

Chief executive Jim Quinn says an Indonesian human-resources consultancy has contracted to provide a steady stream of passengers for KiwiRail’s half-empty trains.

Mr Quinn told reporters the move was not a vote of no confidence in New Zealand travellers but a sensible operational move and a win-win for both parties to the agreement.

“Indonesia has surplus people and we have occupancy issues,” he said.

It is understood trainloads of spare Indonesians will rotate through New Zealand on a monthly basis.

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Government Communications Security Bureau head Ian Fletcher has announced that the GCSB is outsourcing all future investigations to an 11-year-old schoolgirl with a good memory for names and a keen interest in fireworks displays.

When pressed further by reporters, Mr Fletcher said he would need proof of journalists’ New Zealand residency before answering any more questions.

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Social Development Minister Paula Bennett has announced that her ministry is outsourcing its online data security to the Government Communications Security Bureau.

“These people are trained professionals,” she said.

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Police Commissioner Peter Marshall has announced that future police investigations into child abuse cases will be outsourced to the Philippines.

“Abuse is abuse, the same the world over,” Mr Marshall said. “We’re confident that our Philippines staff will swiftly recognise the symptoms of abuse as described to them over the phone and implement counter-measures effectively and efficiently.

“If urgent action is required, calls will be referred to Mumbai, where trained counsellors will be standing by the phones ready to advise the best strategies.”

Mr Marshall pointed out that having police officers physically on the scene of a suspected child abuse scenario can often be intrusive and upsetting to all concerned in tense domestic situations.

“The good news,” he added, “is that the money saved by outsourcing these investigations can now be channelled into better road policing so that we have fewer fatal accidents of a tragic nature that can tear New Zealand families apart.”

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Education Minister Hekia Parata has announced that the government’s education policy has been outsourced to the four winds.

Speaking into the teeth of a howling southerly, she said teachers, students and parents were looking for certainty and she was confident that the four winds would deliver it, one way or the other, sooner or later, give or take a light breeze, more or less.

“It’s an ill wind that blows nobody good,” she said.

Ms Parata declined to comment on her prospects for Cabinet promotion, saying that the answer is blowing in the wind.

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The ACT party has announced that it is reviewing its decision to outsource its credibility to John Banks. A spokesperson said there was nothing unusual about it, as the party regularly reviewed its credibility, often several times a day, in the presence of professional counsellors.

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The Labour Party says it plans to outsource its supply of smoking guns, as the most recent one failed to go off.

A spokesperson says an established firm of smoking-gun suppliers, W Peters Ltd, had contracted on generous terms to provide as many smoking guns as the Labour Party required, as well as an unlimited supply of squibs, damp or otherwise.

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The government has outsourced all economic decision-making to the rest of the world.

“We actually make very few decisions ourselves already,” says Prime Minister John Key, “ so it makes sense to hand the whole thing over to people who, I’m sure at the end of the day, have this country’s best interests at heart.

"We’ve given them Bill English’s home number, so we’ll be right in the loop.”

Mr Key also announced that his memory has been outsourced to Taiwan.

“They have people there who can do this sort of thing,” he said. “As prime minister, I’m far too busy to go around remembering stuff that happened months ago, so it makes sense to, um, what was it I was announcing again?”