Judge Jock: Chocolate Capers, QCs’ Cute Conundrum and Gay Judge Spits the Dummy

Grave Newsflash!!!
Gay district court judge and ex-film censor Bill Hastings convicted an Eketahuna man for confronting a gay couple in the street with the offensive words "you've got Aids" and "you're a poofter".

According to an unconfirmed media report Adrian Strange, a fellow with what Judge Hastings said was an extensive history dating back to 1978, crossed the street to confront the couple and use the insulting words.

Having had previous encounters with Strange, they just wanted to be left alone and were angry and upset.

Judge Hastings was in no doubt Strange's words to the men – used in the middle of the day in a public street – would have disturbed the public order of Eketahuna.

A newspaper report quoted Judge Hastings as saying the words used by Strange were offensive and homophobic and "as such undermine the simple values New Zealand cherishes".

Fining Strange $400, with $130 court costs – while suppressing the names of his upset victims – Judge Hastings said there was a need to deter others and protect the community "from you and people like you".

The newspaper report did not say if Judge Hastings disclosed he was a gay or if, in the unusual circumstances, he offered to recuse himself from hearing the case.

A concerned gentleman of laws writes:
“Brother Jock,

I am concerned.

It has been drawn to my attention that while work regularly takes me away from home and hearth, my good lady domestic authority, completely unbeknown to my concerned self, has allegedly been engaged in some kind of public 'cuteness' competition.

I believe reference was made to an item of intimate clothing.

This concerns me.

I put you on notice that should any details of this matter be made public, riding the Hot Poker will be the least of your worries.

A full independent inquiry has been called for.

I remain concerned.
Yours
The Honourable Justice (name withheld by request).
Judges’ Chambers (location withheld by request).”

Judge Jock replies:
“Dear Honourable Justice (We know who you are),

Send money and a set of Norrie’s snaps from the after match knees-up will be rushed to you without further ado…

Fearless and fancy free…

Signed
Jock J, OMATB, The Scunner and all of us ‘up for it’ at the Ladies & Escorts Lounge.”

A disgruntled contender writes:
“Dear Judge Jock,

Imagine my disappointment at missing out yet again in the Cute QC Contest.

I am a much cuter QC than any of that sh*bby diss*lute lot who made the finals.

Everyone knows that. It was rigged.

I saw who the finalists were and I wouldn’t t***t any of them as far as I could t***w them… Especially that…(The remainder of this intemperate sentence has been referred to Judge Jock’s Scurrilous Allegations committee for closer examination).

What did they pay you???

(Signed)
J A-K (Full name withheld against the correspondent’s wishes).
Somewhere in the South Island (Exact location also withheld against the correspondent’s wishes)”

Judge Jock replies:
“Madam,

You have long been scandalising this unimpeachable contest with these and other outrageous allegations.

You were warned last year that sending in well-thumbed photos of yourself as a lissome teenager – which you purported were taken only a week earlier – was a ruse easily seen through.

(“Aye, a bit like what she was wearing when the snaps were taken last century,” said The Scunner).

Enough is enough, Madam.

You are on notice…

Sternly Yours
Judge Jock”

A very important lawyer writes:
“Hi Jocky J,

It’s S (full name withheld to save his blushes) here…

Absolutely topping choice of Cute QC Winner…

What a dish!!!

I’ve included an extra couple of fivers for you to send me copies of ALL the Polaroids from the after-match knees-ups – to my private Club address, if you please…

Peckers Up
Yours
Rayon”

This just in from the Crown Law Office:
“The Solicitor-General (noble Queen’s counsel Michael Heron) advises that we act for esteemed Queen’s Counsel in this matter.

Unless ALL copies of the above mentioned photographs are delivered in person to Mr Solicitor Heron at The Hamptons Sportsmen’s Bar, Shortland St, by 5 pm on Friday, April 19, you are in deep donkey doo doo. (His is the leaner by the TAB)

Yours extremely sternly
Names too numerous to mention.”

A senior judicial communications officer writes:
“It has been drawn to my attention you, or those who may/may not be associated with you, have made/have thought about making/may, in fact, have made, remarks of some kind about a member/members of The Judiciary which may/may not be less than respectful/complimentary/truthful/scandalous or otherwise a bit/or perhaps not, on the nose/bottom or possibly somewhere else.

We know this to be the case.

No further comment on the above matter will be made on behalf of The Judiciary.
(Name withheld because I am not relevant).”

A venerable practitioner writes:
Are you the same Judge Jock who once frequented Vulcan Lane and fled in a hurry after an “incident” involving a challenge to in-house dining arrangements???

Are you in anyway related to a rabble-rouser who organised a 10-month boycott of the Queens Ferry, then weasled out when the weather got fine and skirts shorter???

Could you be the same fellow well-known for shifting his share of the blame and pointing the Poker at others while palming the loose change???

If so, it’s your shout… Bring money… Plenty of it…

Convivially
OMATB”

NEWSFLASH!!!
It is announced from the Ladies & Escorts Lounge that hugely wise and wonderful Dunedin law firm Anderson Lloyd is the cream of the legal crop.

This accolade has everything to do with the arrival at the L & E Lounge of a delicious chocolate cake celebrating the firm’s 150th anniversary.

Serviettes were included (not that this little nicety bothered The Scunner) and we even ate their name.

Read more about these wonderful legal pioneers at NBR ONLINE Weekend Review.

Other law firms take note:
Cakes – and other tasty inducements (hiccup) – are worth a thousand words… You know where to find us…

A Less Than Accurate Newsflash:
Judges welcome a good caning for breaching media accountability.

Chief Justice Quad Bike says judges will in future bend over and take a sound public thrashing every time they give a criminal a penalty the mass media disapproves of.

“The Judiciary is indebted to the highly trained and respected mass media for helpfully initiating an Is Hanging Too Good For Them? readers’opinion poll to assist us in dishing out more poll-popular penalties,” Chief Justice Quad Bike told Judge Jock.

Coming soon: A handy judicial guide on how best to direct a jury in order to save time and avoid long delays in getting down The Lane, or to The Dungeon, whatever takes An Honour’s fancy.

Meanwhile: Judge Jock’s highly trained investigative taskforce puts the Auckland district law society on the spot by asking what happened to the $1.6 million Constable Fund.

janderson@nbr.co.nz