Judge Jock: Secrets of the Inner Bar

NewsFlash: An Australian judge says other judges should stop bullying senior lawyers because they then vent their spleen by bullying junior lawyers, and this is not cricket. (See The Age, February 22, 2013, page A3).

A bullied junior writes:

“Dear Judge Jock (please don’t beat me),

Every time my senior gets a courtroom kicking from a judge she takes it out on me.

I am marched into her chambers, where I have to drop my pinstripes and bend over the leatherette chaise longue while she takes to my nether regions with a horse-hair appliance.

On a hot day this is damned uncomfortable and brings a flush to my cheeks.

She then emails explicit cellphone photos of me to her chums in neighbouring chambers, thus making me the butt of cruel jokes at legal knees-ups.

I find this particularly distracting while trying to balance my chambers' booze bill.

What can I do?

Yours,

Thrashed of Vulcan Lane.”

Judge Jock replies:

“Dear Thrashed (Is that you, Andrew?),

Pay up and take your punishment like a man!

If you can’t, then slip a few fivers into the honesty box at the Ladies and Escorts Lounge next time you are passing and I will give you the names of a couple of senior Silks who will be delighted to bend over in your place.”

NewsFlash: Courts Minister tells lawyers to stop whingeing about his masterplan to make criminals stand next to smelly briefs. (Speech to Auckland district law society, March 7, 2013).

A smelly lawyer writes:

“Dear Judge Jock,

It is most unfair for the Minister (who probably smells on occasions himself) to pick on impoverished lawyers who cannot afford soap.

If those in power took notice of Charlie Cato and doubled the legal aid rates we could share some Old Spice.

We do not all pong.

Just the other day I had the pleasure, after lunch, to squeeze up alongside a very fragrant Silk who wafted juniper berries from her every pore.

Yours,

Rosebud of Manukau”

A Minister emails:

“Dear JJ,

I have been grossly misquoted as usual… Your mate Ches… ”

Meanwhile - Shortland Street heavy-hitters write:

“Dear Judge Jock,

We act for an extremely well-stacked lady lawyer who says she has been identified in a recent item as Madam Lash at the Bar.

She instructs us that regularly administering a 'tickle up' to her wayward juniors is perfectly natural in some Scandanavian countries and is in keeping with the strict traditions upheld in her chambers.

She further advises that simply being seen leaving Their Honours’ commonroom in a flushed state is no evidence she has recently been given a sound dressing down.

Enough is enough.

You have been warned.

Our fee note attaches.

Yours,

Heavy, Hitter and Hitter.”

Judge Jock replies:

“Dear Heavy, Hitter and Hitter

Your recent letter on behalf of Madam Lash is acknowledged.

Thank you for including the bundle of well-thumbed photographic art studies.

Our Man At The Bar has been able to put names to some of the faces (and other parts) displayed and is busy addressing 'pay up or else' notes to those concerned.

We are having a couple of the fetching art studies blown up and framed to hang in the Ladies and Escorts Lounge.

OMATB particularly enjoyed the one depicting your client as a black-stockinged Valkryie whipping the spotty backsides of a pair of Banksiders. Choice.

Meanwhile, our usual fee for 'hot denial/innocent explanation' notices applies.

Hope you can join us for the unveiling.

Ever Yours

Jock J.”

An excited Silk slavers:

“Publish them at you peril, you damned scunner… ”

NewsFlash: An excited Justice Minister says it’s time to be more user-friendly, don’t come to court unless you really have to and let’s think up new ways to pass the time. (Judith Collins' speech to Australasian Institute of Judicial Administration, March 8, 2013).

A stakeholder in the Chief Justice’s Chambers wonders:

“Would we still get paid for playing dominoes, drafts and darts???”

And in breaking news – Exciting Daily Deals for the Legal Profession:

Garter-twanging, $2 a set; (gentlemen only, except Wednesday)

Quick one-on-one refreshers for mature practitioners; $10 for 15 minutes (only with Candida and only during specified smoko adjournments).

Introduction to the Bar for the newly-admitted; $250 a round (includes an inscribed copy of Our Man At The Bar’s handy inner-city location rating map).

Stocking-laddering for Beginners; $3 a leg (Chambers’ pupils FREE)

Know your Judge; $2 for illustrated booklet (NB, previous offers for private hands-on “pleased to meet you” sessions now fully booked).

An outraged Silk writes:

“You have yet to include me in the Cute QC competition. Any further ommission and writs will issue.” (Ok, Privet, leave it with Judge J and he’ll see what he can do).

Cute QC entries this week are:

Peter Williams
Kristy McDonald
Bruce Stewart
Helen Cull

(Draw your own sketch of camera-shy Mr Stewart)

Still to come:

Pop Up Guide to Being a Judge (Yawn).

NB: Limited bookings still open for Easter judicial “back to basics” retreat at Little Palm Beach, Waiheke Island.

janderson@nbr.co.nz