Judge Jock: Tippler Taffs Promises Come-Back, Culling Drongo Judges, and A Perfect Jury Is Found

West Coast Justice Rules:

Distinguished Westport crime lawyer Douglas James Taffs (59) is a rare breed – some say an endangered species.

A scarcity of lawyers on the Coast saved him from a hefty suspension in his recent brush with the Lawyers and Conveyancers Disciplinary Tribunal – which ended better for him than pleased the law society, who wanted him turfed out for two years.

When Wee Dougie moved to the Coast from Christchurch some years back he quickly proved he was a force to be reckoned with.

He had no bother embracing the Coast's irreverent culture when it came to flamboyant attire, drinking, driving and some pesky aspects of the law.

His exploits in and out of court are well documented (and photographed). Some say he would make a great West Coast judge.

But Dougie says he screwed up when, on his third drink-driving charge, he tried to evade an evidential breath-test at the Westport police station in March 2011 by pulling out the machine's wires, trying to leave the police station and climb a fence and putting coins in his mouth in an attempt to contaminate the breath-test result.

No doubt aided by a spirited defence put up by his old mate Paul (Hiccup) McMenamin – who claimed suspending Dougie would throw the West Coast justice system into chaos – Dougie was suspended from practicing law for three months and ordered to pay $12,500 in costs for bringing the legal profession into disrepute.

Dougie, who says he spends about $800 a month on taxis so he can go to the pub and is a bit miffed he wasn't suspended during the whitebait season, vows he will be back in legal harness by the end of July.

Newsflash!!! Shock plan to weed out drongo judges…

In a cunning government ploy to be shot of a whole bunch of judicial drongoes, Judges will be required from October 1 to complete at least 10 hours a year of continuing professional development (CPD).

Thanks to the wheedling skills of Our Man At The Bar, Judge Jock has obtained extracts from the Inquisitor-General’s notorious Black Book (coded named BottumsUp) which outlines, in a spidery hand, what is required…

Question:

What is the preferred position to adopt upon meeting a fellow High Court Judge outside the Ladies & Escorts Bar???

Is it (a) politely and respectfully inquire if His/Her Honour is going in or coming out, (b) Depending on the answer to (a) ask politely and respectfully if there’s any Bombay left, (c) Depending on the answers to (a) and (b) invite His/Her Honour to join you for a round or three, your shout, (d) Look the other way, or (e) All of the above???

No conferring.

Question:

When realising you have only one day remaining to complete and deliver a 300-page judgment on a particularly tricky matter involving the Law of the Sea, what do you do??? (a) Stay up all night without food or drink to research a definitive landmark judgment and deliver it as expected first thing in the morning, (b) Get the Judge’s clerks to stay up all night without food or drink to bash something together you hope might fill a gap pending the appeal you know is inevitable, (c) Open another jar of Bombay and tell everyone they’ll just have to wait until you return from Tuscany.

Question:

Drawing only on your own personal professional judicial experience write down the meanings of the following well-known legal expressions: Don’t Get Caught; It Wasn’t Me; I Thought The Money Was A Gift From Santa…

Footnote: Individual Judges will be responsible for identifying and fulfilling their own learning requirements through a structured process of self-assessment and reflection.

How would that work???

Here’s an example:

A Judge, admiring his/her sumptuous reflection in full-length chambers mirrors while mulling self-assessment, may consider and tick prowess in any of the following permitted skills:

Two-up, pontoon, shove ha’penny, garter-twanging, shout-avoiding and blame-shifting.

All these achievements, according to OMATB, are a great leap forward.

“B*llocks,” said The Scunner.

Constable Fund Revelations

An exhaustive probe into what happened to the Auckland district law society’s $1.65 million Constable Fund has been completed.

“This was a hard nut to crack,” OMATB said in a statement issued on behalf of the Inquisitorial Committee (No 1).

“Essentially, we accepted Flash Frank’s assurance the money bounced around a bit, went here and there, wafted through the books and eventually popped-up all hunky-dory.

"Case closed. No further comment.”

“Harrumph,” said The Scunner…

Judge’s Guide To Jury Direction (2):

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury – I’ll wager that’s the first time any of you have been addressed so…

You have come to this majestic Court from the dole queue, halfway house or just slumped in front of the telly in an OAP shelter…

It has been a daunting experience for all of us not in the over-stuffed comfort of the jury box, to have to spoon feed your collective stupidity for the last seven tedious weeks…

I will do my best to make it simple for you…

First, I am the Judge…

That’s why I sit at a table higher than everyone else…

No, Madam Fore-whatever, I am not the accused…

He is the recidivist mass-murdering serial rapist seated in the little wooden box near the middle of the Court surrounded by burly guards…

You might think he's innocent but I know better.

The gentleman in the long black gown seated in the front row of desks facing me is Mr Crown Prosecutor…

You will recall – well, maybe one of you might – he presented the case against the accused…

What’s that you say???

He didn’t put enough chocolate digestive biscuits in the Jury Room???

Well, Madam Fore-thing, strictly speaking that is not one of his main jobs but if it helps I’ll have a word to him at smoko and see what we can work out…

Now, behind him is another fellow in a long black gown…

He is a lawyer paid to defend the mass-murdering serial rapist seated in the wooden box in the middle of the Court…

Now he, Ladies & Gentlemen, is supposed to defend his client to the best of his extremely limited ability, but this bloke’s a loser…

However, he has wasted a bucket load of hard-earned taxpayer’s money dreaming up the most farcical, ludicrous and totally unbelievable pack of lies I have ever heard in all my 25 years on this Bench and horse whipping is too good for him…

Yes, of course, none of you would know anything about “hard-earned taxpayers’ money” would you…

Well, do your best to grapple with the concept, at least…

Who’s the sheila who sits next to me???

Yes, she does help me out from time to time…

No, she is not my bit on the side and her name is not Sheila, it’s Svetlana…

Anyway, it’s time for my slap-up lunch at the Northern Club, so grab your cheese sandwich and we’ll see you all back here at 2.15, when we will run through the evidence with some simple diagrams, dollies and stick figures…

Court is adjourned…

(Give me bl**dy strength…”)

janderson@nbr.co.nz