Judge Jock: World Exclusive – Moses Iti talks to Judge Jock

As 30 whanau spilled from the tastefully converted NZR Road Services bus, a slight frail man emerged barefoot from their midst to be carried shoulder high into the Ladies and Escorts Bar.

“What you need to understand, Judge Jock,” he began, in a tongue not dissimilar to Mandela (Winnie, not Nelson), King (Greg, not Martin) and Gandhi (Indira, not Mahatma), “is what’s in it for me from all this hui-phooey.”

“You see, Your Highness, as I lead my people deep into promised Tuhoe land I do so in the sublime knowledge huge buckets of bucks will ease our burden.

“Yes, Your Nobleness, not for nothing did I once again fool those fellas down in Wellington into thinking I was plotting an armed uprising (Sure conned that Swiss guy, eh… He He).

“Got all those ninja cop fellas out of bed early on that one too.”

“But cutting to the choice, as we say in ItiLand – sorry, Tuhoe Nation – you just need to forget about all those guns and bombs and masks (that was just for the telly anyway) and ask yourself just one question: what’s a poor boy gonna do???”

“Oh God, he’s not going to sing, is he??” said Our Man At The Bar, checking out the kite’s contents.

“Now that I have won the hearts and minds of all those innocent Maori fellas sitting about in jail, it will be easy-peasy for me to lead my people to their promised destiny (Back off, Bishop Brian, I thought of it first).

“Once deep in the Ureweras we will cut all ties to you fellas… No longer will we be slaves to your genocidal oppression, Your Judicial Honkiness…”

“First, we tear up the roads, cut down the power lines and rip out the water pipes – all evil symbols of wicked colonialism…

“Then we burn all those brain-washing schools and culturally-evil hospitals that have plagued our people since time began… And we’ll do a whole lot of other stuff, too.”

“Please, not another song,” prayed OMATB.

“Last of all we tear down benefit by supplementary benefit all the WINZ offices which for generations have bought and enslaved the souls of the whanau with filthy colonial cash.

“Free of these shackles, I will then lead my people into a long-awaited new life in the forest where they will joyfully rekindle their traditional love of sleeping in the open, eating bugs and roots, tilling the soil day and night and learn to be thin again.”

“As their loving leader I will, of course, need to monitor the outside world to ensure I keep them free from poisonous colonial intrusion.”

“In the interests of my people I will sacrifice my freedom by doing this from the outrageous comfort of my self-contained mobile home, complete with Sky TV, broadband, satellite phone, gun rack and TAB terminal.”

Outside the Ladies and Escorts Bar the waiting whanau stirred.

“Hey, Tame, what’s this sleeping outside about??? It’s going to be winter soon, Bro… ”

“Pipe down, Parekura, and go hurry up the KFC,” joked Lord Iti.

“Now, Jock J, how about a bag of koha to wash the cappucinno down???”

Some News:

High Court refuses to act on name suppression breach.

The name of a very well-known company director up on fraud charges over the Dominion Finance collapse which pushed celebrity developer Matthew Ridge to the brink of bankruptcy, was suppressed the other by Justice Pamela Andrews.

Two named co-accused were not so lucky.

In breach of the suppression order, the Australian-owned Fairfax website Stuff duly published the gentleman’s name. Another website is said to have published his photograph.

When Judge Jock asked the Auckland High Court if it was aware of Stuff’s breach of the suppression order and what it was doing about it, he received a curious response.

“If there has been a breach of the suppression orders then that has not been brought to the court’s attention from Counsel involved in this matter,” a court official declared.

“I don’t have time to read unrelated work websites during works hours or even after work hours, for that matter,” the official harrumphed.

So that’s it, then???

“What’s your beef, Judge Jock?” quizzed Our Man At The Bar. “Making mischievious mountains from mole-hill trivia? Don’t you know court staff have better things to do than check out silly suppression breaches – except, of course, in your case when you get all you deserve… ”

Hollywood’s pirate-baiting Judge Alex

Judge Jock’s cobber Chief Judge Alex Kozinski, the US beak whose unanimous federal appeal court of the California-based “Hollywood circuit” this week declared that Sea Shepherd anti-whalers were pirates is a bit of a dag.

When Judge Kozinski caught up over lunch in the Ladies and Escorts Lounge private room in 2011 he reminded Judge Jock of some of his breath-taking libertarian decisions.

Remember how he poked it up Mattel when they tried to silence Danish band Aqua’s ability to poke fun in a song about the Barbie doll? He threw out Mattel’s claims of trademark violation and unfair competition.

The hit song, according to Judge Kozinski, lampooned the Barbie image and commented humorously on the cultural values Aqua claimed she represented.

Remember how he tossed out an appeal by twins Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss, who wanted more than $US20 million cash and $US45 million in Facebook shares, after claiming Facebook founder Mark Zuckerman stole their idea of a website of Harvard alumni?

“Wasn’t Alex K the bloke accused by the Los Angeles Times in 2008 of maintaining a publicly accessible website featuring sexually explicit photos and videos???” cried OMATB, jangling a pocket of washers.

“That’s quite enough of that,” intervened Her Grace the Chief Justice. “We all know that was a typical yellow press smear and anyway, the Good Judge has long since closed his website.”

“Aye, just before Her Ladyship could snatch a wee look,” sniffed The Scunner.

A totally tasteless joke follows:

Talking about pirates, did you hear the one about the pirate captain who clumped into the Ladies and Escorts Lounge???

“So you’re a pirate captain are you?” said OMATB.

“I am that,” replied the pirate captain, fixing OMATB with his good eye.

“If you are a pirate captain where are your buccaneers then?”

“On either side of my buckin’ head, where else?”

A tale for the internally fortified only:

Gossip of a particularly delicate nature has come into Judge Jock’s possession.

It involves a sprightly QC (not yet 70), the passionate blonde spouse of a true-blue political figure and some cobwebs.

After first sharing them with Judge Jock (so he may assess their likely popularity rating), persons with details of this liaison should keep them to themselves.

From the “What On Earth Is All This About Dept,” another lawyer writes:

“Proof of XXX first 12 months on the job. Profit when XXX did the job – 2 million. Profit when XXX does the job – $300,000. 

Does the XXX need any more proof they need to get rid of XXX? 

Clearly XXX doesn't know how to deal with the responsibility of looking after membership money, only 'school girl grudges'.

A big hint to the XXX – you need to carry out an investigation to see all the things AND PEOPLE XXX has paid for – the things that don't need to go to XXX for approval. It is also interesting how XXX gets away with it all.

Will XXX do something or wait until the next AGM when the accounts will be a lot worse?”

(Comments brutally edited to protect *rses all round – OMATB)

Yet to get past the Censor: Judge Jock examines a privacy issue and cute QC’s show off.

Work Still Under Gravest Legal Threat: Pop Up Guide to Being a Judge.

janderson@nbr.co.nz