Judge Jock’s Judicial HelpLine

This week the inner workings of a little-known tough-love facility for jaded jurists are revealed…

Join Judge Jock, Our Man At The Bar and The Scunner as they go Behind the Bench…

We begin with an anonymous "write in" confidential HelpLine designed with judges in mind.

A lonely Judge writes:
Dear Chief Justice,

It’s lonely up here on the Bench… Sitting by myself in this soul-less concrete bunker day after day, year after year, listening to endless tales of brutality, greed and lust (and that’s just QCs haggling over costs awards)…

Then to head home to Glen Innes and have it start all over again…

Have you any idea, CJ, how this wears a chap down???

Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it…

Catching the bus in every morning at sparrow-f*art, reading all sorts of rubbish to all hours and trying to crack the odd quip just to keep everyone awake…

No-one invites ME to The Hamptons to swill champers and guzzle oysters of a sunny afternoon…

When I follow my judicial brothers down Shortland St they all race ahead, duck inside and pretend not to see me standing forlornly on the footpath – alone…

Who can I turn to???

Sincerely

Big and Proud of It.

“Sounds like this chap needs a sympathetic helping hand,” said OMATB, wiping a tear with a used fiver.

 “That’s my change,” said The Scunner.

 “Let’s see the reply,” said Judge Jock, slurping on his Pims.

A Chief Justice replies:
Dear Big and Proud of It,

Do not blame yourself…

You are going through a phase quite common among jurists of your age…

You feel isolated and left out – shunned even…

It seems that only the long, dull finance company cases come your way…

You long to chuck away those dozens of Eastlite folders crammed with hundreds of thousands of pages of meaningless accounting analyses…

You crave the judicial thrill of presiding over a juicy rape or axe murder…

However, it seems that for you, at this time in your career, that is a wish unikely to be fulfilled.

By the way, I have been flicking through your Personal Performance File, noticed the rising tide of successful appeals and think it’s time we had a chat about retraining for new opportunities... Friday at 5 suit???

Sincerely
Chief Justice

“Jolly good advice from a caring superior, if you ask me,” said Judge Jock.

“We didn’t,” said The Scunner.

“Who’s in the chair?” asked OMATB, picking the seeds from the last slice of lemon.

Wait, there’s more…

A Jack the Lad writes:
Dear Chief Justice,

Sorry I was late back from lunch the other day, CJ – got held up you might say down the Ladies and Escorts Lounge…

The jolly chaps hooked me up by me britches, insisted the Bombays were on me and wouldn’t let me go until the bottle was cut…

By the time I got back up the hill the damned trial was over, accused nowhere to be seen, jury had gone home, place was in darkness and there’s me locked out in the rain…

Swung by karaoke at the QF to belt out an Engelbert Humperdink Ten Guitars rendition with Ken…

Got rapturous applause, I might add, Ma’am, from your chums Judy, Pam, Becky, Helen and Ailsa – all hell-bent on a rollicking girls’ night out knees-up…

So, won’t be in the rest of the week…

Sling that three-month drug trial to old Big and Proud of It, can you???

Oysters for lunch???

Sincerely
Always Up For It

“This fellow’s on the up and up, just what we need Behind the Bench – promotion for him, I’ll bet,” said OMATB.

“Agreed, agreed, obviously cut from sound old cloth,” said Jock J.

“Tosser,” said The Scunner.

A CJ replies:
Dear Always Up For It,

You naughty rascal… You know how to win a girl over… Great use of Big and Proud of It’s last days… I’ll square it with Winkers… No need to tell Hughie… Don’t be late… My shout… BiBi…

Ever So Sincerely
CJ

(That’s quite enough of that for now…)

Apology to Queen’s Counsel Bruce Stewart:
Last week’s episode featured the latest entries in the Cute QC’s competition.

A reference was made to Mr Bruce Stewart QC.

Unfortunately, no photograph of Mr Stewart could be located to include in the item.

It was alleged Mr Stewart was “camera shy”.

Readers were invited to submit their own sketch of him.

Drawings of a curious nature were submitted.

As a result, those close to Mr Stewart formed the view this was a cunning ploy to disadvantage him and scuttle his “strong chances”of carrying off the coveted Cute QC title.

Judge Jock unreservedly apologises for any real or imagined slur to Mr Stewart’s cuteness and places the total blame on Our Man At The Bar.

A photograph of a dashing Mr Stewart appears this week.

Last entries for Cute QC 2013:
Deborah Chambers, nee Hollings
Hugh Rennie
Colin Carruthers
Julian Miles
Mary Scholtens

Bruce Stewart

Sick and Tired of Waiting:
The 2013 Pop Up Guide to Being a Judge is now out of print.

Last Word:
Easter judicial retreat at Little Palm Beach, Waiheke Island, is fully booked, unless anyone is happy to top and tail. And to His Honour (name withheld by request) who wanted to know if this is the gay nudey beach – what do you think, Ducks???

janderson@nbr.co.nz