Subway lures innocent 13-year-old girls to sandwich shop

S’been a while, hasn’t it muffins? Heads down, bums up, cranking out those ads and no time for advertising tomfoolery. I’ve been busy dreaming about the ski season and hugging trees, and sort of behaving myself, and baking dairy-free cinnamon scones and wreck diving and losing my toenails from too much tramping and most of all, trying to avoid writing things that get me into hot water.

Mostly I’ve managed to avoid writing said hot water items, but I’m afraid I’m heading straight to the Jacuzzi today – Publicis Mojo’s new TVC for Subway has tipped me over the edge. I’ve blown a gasket. The cheese has slipped off the cracker. My internal Mac is showing the spinning beach ball of death and I desperately need to reboot.

When I first received the PR guff about Mojo’s inaugural campaign for Subway – remember they won the above-the-line biz late last year – I didn’t take much notice. Too many images, too many über-branded mentions of “SUBWAY® Restaurants”, too little time, and then I got distracted by a scone. I like scones.

But when I saw the latest TVC, I realised that no matter how much I begged it to stop, it wouldn’t, and I was staring down the barrel at 30 seconds of my life I’d never get back.

I’ve never done drugs – apart from a mad spell on morphine post-surgery that ruined my eyesight for three weeks – but when I watch this TVC I feel like I’ve gained a fair perspective on what it’s like to be on a really bad trip.

I don’t understand it, it does nothing to make me want Subway, and the actor going “THAT ONE AND THAT ONE AND THAT ONE” and not even saying “PLEASE MR SERVING MAN”, well that is just the Height of Rudeness®.

According to Subway’s PR guff, Mojo has created an “electrifying” new “You Rule!” design that is a “heart-shaped combination of lightning bolts, a rainbow and plenty of sparkle”. (I am not making this up.)

In other words, the perfect campaign to lure innocent 13-year-old girls to the sandwich shop, a safe and welcoming space where they can talk about Robert Pattison’s hairstyle, and how droolworthy Justin Bieber is, and swap copies of Dolly magazine, and readjust their scrunchies, while indulging in a delicious lunch and feeling secure in their young femininity.

“You Rule! encapsulates exactly what Subway customers do every time they visit a Subway store,” said Subway head of marketing David Herrick, who has presumably been subjected to repeat viewings of this TVC, the poor bugger.

“They’re the master of their own Sub. They have almost unlimited options to satisfy their hunger. If they want extra jalapeños, they can have extra jalapeños. If they want to mix their drinks at the soda fountain, they can. If they want bacon with anything, it’s no problem.”

I do like extra jalapeños.

Mojo creative director Lachlan McPherson also features in the press release – and as he is smarter than your average cookie, I’m guessing someone forced him to approve the pre-penned PR quotes under threat of forcible removal of his toenails by way of pliers, for it smells like he had no say in the style.

Mr McPherson* said customers can direct – again, I am not making this up – “a SUBWAY® SANDWICH ARTIST™” to make them whatever they want, however they want.

“In this way, the customer rules.”

Now if someone from Mojo could please explain the link between large sandwiches and Greek mythology, the over-13 New Zealand population would be eternally grateful.

*May only contain traces of McPherson.