Surviving a zombie attack - a practical guide

The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks, (Available on Amazon Kindle for $US9.38)

Max Brooks, son of the more famous Mel Brooks, begins this handy “how to” book by explaining the myths and realities of the undead. 

He asserts it is caused by a virus transmitted by a zombie bite or contact with zombie fluids. It is 100% fatal and 100% communicable and once infected a person is likely to be reanimated as one of the living dead.

Believe in them or not,  zombies, zombiefication and zombie-ism are clearly resurrected forces to be reckoned with. Max Brooks tells why.

Zombies have no feelings or memories of those they once loved. Rotting and shambling hordes of zombies lurch slowly but remorselessly towards any unwary victim in their path.

Anybody who encounters a zombie horde is lucky if torn into little tiny pieces or eaten, otherwise the dreadful fate of becoming reanimated as part of the killing horde is inevitable.

Think there is no hope for humanity? But wait, Brooks'points out that with care, planning and the right choice of weapons and equipment this dreadful menace can be obliterated.

He warns that his advice is for American citizens only and emphases preparations must be within the law. When the dead rise the authorities must see others as model citizens.

Brooks recommends choosing weapons carefully and keeping mind and body in tip top fighting condition. The only way to render the undead properly dead is to crush the skull with one blow or a clean shot to the head. That's handy to know.

Brooks reviews the strengths and weakness of a number of weapons and recommends the common household hammer, a steel crowbar and the Chinese shaolin spade for combat at close quarters.

He does not recommend unconventional weapons unless in the hands of a master practitioner, and totally discounts chain saw sin spite of their regular appearance in horror movies.

He says chain saws are too heavy, too dangerous and too noisy. The chainsaw's distinctive roar is tantamount to broadcasting to every zombie within earshot that dinner is served.

Firearms are important but must be used with a cool head and a steady hand. The book omits to mention that for New Zealanders, buying a suitable gun should be accompanied by enrolment in a gun club.

Know your weapon!

Brooks recommends the Soviet AK-47 or an old fashioned bolt or lever action rifle as the weapon of choice – one shot through a zombie head is the best means of disposal. Machine guns and the like are not appropriate because ammo is heavy, expensive and it has to be replaced too often.

Boats are good places of refuge, but those who own floating gin palaces shouldn’t think a secure anchorage in the middle of Waitemata harbour ensures safety from attack.

A boat plentifully supplied with Moet and caviar is certainly an asset at any time - and especially so should the dead arise, but it is probably a better idea to replace the Moet with lots of bottled water and the caviar with baked beans and tinned corn beef - all very sustaining when the balloon goes up. 

Zombies walk on the bottom of the harbour and are perfectly capable of climbing up anchor lines and attacking sleeping victims. The owner of the boat should be on watch at all times ready to cut the line should there be any sign of trouble.

Other recommended places of refuge include multiple story homes and apartments (remove the stairs), prisons, military complexes and oil rigs.

General rules include maintaining a disciplined collective response to any zombie threat. Remember to kill and listen for secondary zombie attacks – their mindless moaning gives them away - and never never go off alone.

Brooks discusses basic equipment at length, good supplies of water and food, sensible clothing and camping equipment at length. Travel on foot. Slow and silent is the best way to avoid a zombie attack - unless there's an armoured car handy. 

For those spending their hard-earned on survival kit and are too hard up to buy this book, the United States Centre for Disease Control - together with the US Department of Health and Human Services - have published a number of pamphlets and a very good poster on how to deal with a zombie attack.

Look it up on the internet if you don’t believe me - this is serious stuff.

The book ends with a short history of zombie attacks throughout the ages – including an attack near Omaramara.

Not many people know about that.